Nuttin' New

I am settling in still to retirement. This winter I have been drinking a lot of wine. It is too cold to go out.

Just got back from grocery shopping. I am more tired than when I walked an hour yesterday with the dogs uphill and down.

You know we are becoming a homogenized society! I had to go to 3 different groceries to get everything I needed and still need a couple things more. These are not exotic gourmet foods. It is sad. Of course, part of it is the clientle these stores cater to. I could not find sun dried tomatoes or dry sherry at WalMart or Kroger. Go figure. I knew Aldi would have neither. Swiss chard may be out of season.

I think retirement has mellowed me. I haven't felt the need to hurt anyone at the stores in a couple months. Or else my face is on a poster somewhere saying beware and stay out of her way. Good deal on that! I can't get over how women walk away from their carts in the middle of aisle with their purses sitting wide open. I use the seat belt to strap mine in and I don't leave my cart.

So, I am home now. Tired, having a glass of merlot and a few almonds to fortify me before dinner. The weather is good. Finally, the cold spell broke. It was oppressive. It was almost as bad as a prolonged heat wave in August.

Dogs are fine. Tilly has a Rally trial in Indy in Feb. It will be her last hurrah, I hope. I just want to get her advanced title and then retire her. I don't think I will put Fly in Advanced Rally until he is older. He is ADHD boy. Love him and he is good in Novice, but off the leash he would be going to the hot dog stand or out the door.

Happy New Year

Holy cow was 2009 a bad year or what? Let's kick the dust from our shoes and move on.

Don't forget the the past year, but don't dwell on it either. Raise your head and lift your heart.

I am looking for a rescue corgi. I just want a pet. Tilly and Fly are my show corgis. I still need a snuggle corgi. I want an older boy. I have filled out the paperwork and we will see. If it is meant to be it will happen. No dog can ever replace Tyler that is for sure. Still I need snuggles.

Today my friend and I went for our annual New Year's Day walk. We walked over an hour with our dogs. Tilly and Fly are tired. I am exhausted! It feels good. It was 20, no wind and sunny. It was a beautiful day. Just a day to enjoy being alive. Fly is laying on my feet as I type this and Tilly is on the couch. Life is good.

Been a while!

Well, it has been some time since I posted. Things have been okay. Today I am just feeling philosophical about life and spelling.

I am missing Al and my Mom. I am not depressed just melancholy. I had planned to do so much with my Mom after I retired and now she is gone before I even had a chance to get in the mode of not working.

The local radio station is having a 60s weekend and so I am missing Al because of that.

Missing Tyler because he was my hugger. Still I am feeling okay.

I think in order to live alone you have to like yourself. I like me. I get bored being alone, but very seldom am lonely. There is the web after all! Still this being alone is relatively new to me. Before I did get to go to work and see people. I miss most of my co-workers.

Dogs are no substitute for people. I don't understand people who have lots of dogs or cats in the house with them. I love my dogs, but they can't replace people no matter how many you have.

The garage looks good. Someone is coming, hopefully, to take the big old walnut desk. I will have lots of room then.

An old acquaintance of my stopped by today and wanted to rent my pasture for a couple months. That's okay. I am reseeding in late winter anyway. The horses will eat it down to nubbins in no time. The money is a little bit of nothing. It will pay for the water. It will be nice to see animals out there again. I only sold the sheep on Friday and I miss their presence already. I will be getting new sheep in the spring. Something the dogs can work with.

My back went out while working on the garage. So, I had to apply alcohol internally. It is feeling better. A little merlot is a great pain reliever.

I am ready for another Corgi. I will be contacting the rescue groups. I just want a pet this time. I need another snuggler. Think I can find one? I'll keep you posted.

Needs

You never out grow the need for your mother. I have thought this for a long time. When my husband passed away in Feb of 1999 who did I call first? MOM. I knew she wasn't as strong as the Mom I had come to rely on in my adulthood, but she was still my Mom and I needed her. Now my Mom has gone. Who do I call now?

This has been a horrible month. Tyler got sick then he died. Mom fell and then she passed away. The most comfort I have is that Ty and Mom are together. Ty loved Mom. Of course, Ty loved anyone who would pet him and had food.

Sometimes I think I was a horrible child. I was mean to my brothers. I resented having to babysit them. I guess that was normal. I had the normal fights with Mom, I guess.

After I went into the Air Force and then got married our relationship changed to more friends than mother and daughter. Still when I needed a Mom she was there.

I think that Moms should tell their daughters that this will happen. Moms should not try to run their adult children's lives. Mom was a good mother in law as was my husband's mother. Don't take sides and stay out of their lives. When I got married Mom said you made your bed now lay in it. Don't get me wrong she loved my husband and he was a good man and husband and son in law. She just wanted me to know this was now my life. Of all the kids I am the only one who never has come back home.

I don't have any guilty feelings which really surprises me. I don't have anything to feel guilty for, but still we all have those feelings. Maybe, after the viewing today I will. This hasn't been real yet. I saw Mom on the Tuesday afternoon before she fell and broke her leg. She fell in the early hours of Wednesday. On Monday I was to take her to the Dr. and when I got up that morning Tyler was dead. I was too upset to take her. I went to visit her on Tuesday. She was upset that Tyler had died, too. I thought that day that her eyes looked good. They had been kind of cloudy for a while. She had bright green eyes that day. On the day she passed away, my brother and I went to the hospital early in the morning to talk to the Dr. I talked to her. Of course,there was no response. Later just after noon my brother called to tell me the news. I felt nothing except maybe a little surprise. I thought she would be here a few more days. Maybe it was a coping method. Who knows?

Anyway, ladies tell your daughters that they will never outgrow the need for their mothers. Ladies, be good mothers. Mine was.

It has been almost 2 weeks and there is still an emptiness in the house. Something is missing. The vitality is missing. Tyler was not an energetic dog. He was not given to running and bouncing and wrestling. His was a quiet presence. Sure, he would mix it up with Fly once in a while just to show the kid who was boss still. Fly never learned and had to push. Gosh, I miss my boy.

"Thus we begin our day in song. Sacred songs calling spirits. Those who weave dreams are Holy. Tomorrow we weep but today I'll spend with my old dog -- hand to paw as we walk together; speaking in low, sweet tones. I will continue to write about him to let the world know that he was here; more, he made a difference!"

A great corgi is gone

Amazing Pocket Tippecanoe, Tyler, has gone to the Bridge. He left last night or early this morning. As was his way he did it quietly not wanting to disturb his Mom. I will miss him so much. With each minute I am missing him more. He was a teddy bear of a corgi. He had a big thick coat that you could get lost in. Unlike a lot of dogs he didn't mind being held or hugged. Our favorite nap position was Tyler cradled in my arms like a baby. We loved the recliner. On 9/11 all I wanted to do was get home and hold Tyler in my arms. I knew life would go on once he was in my arms.

Tyler had a great many nicknames. My favorite was Bubbie. He was also Mr. Man, My Little Tidy Bowl Man, Snuggle Bug, and a few other silly names.

He really asked nothing of me other than love and food.

Having been upset all day I engaged in one of my odd behaviors when I am really really upset. I cleaned the window screens. As I was in the living room getting the screens I turned on XM to the 50's station. After I did that I thought I hope they don't play "In the Still of the Night". That was one of my late husband's favorites. Darned if it didn't come on immediately. I completely broke down. I do know now though that Ty is at the Bridge with Al.

I am going to really miss Ty's bright expression so full of love and expectation. Ty had the biggest ears of any corgi I ever saw. It took months for them to come up when he was a puppy. Even in death they were still every upright. I will miss rubbing those big ole ears.

Bubbie, I miss you so much. I knew this day would come, but so soon? Twelve years is not enough.

Wait for me at the Bridge, big boy.

Just Thoughts

I learned yesterday that Bob Vest had passed away. This was so profound for me and many others. He was our guru. He didn't just instruct us in herding. We got life lessons, too.

After my husband died I had a hard view at death. I made jokes about it and laughed at it. I don't know what has caused me to change my view. There have been several deaths since then that had touched me. There was Reba, Fly's grandmother. Sure she was JUST a dog, but she had so much personality and I never even met her. There was Jim's mother's death, six months ago. There have been others too numerous to mention. I feel hollow after these deaths and just don't know what to feel or how to feel. Maybe, it is grief. It is an intangible feeling something I can't quite put my finger on.

One of my goals was to take Fly to a Bob Vest Clinic and show him that we can do it. My one and only time to participate in his clinic was a disaster. It was 3 days of me being stupid. I knew what he was trying to tell me and I couldn't accomplish it. I was in Fly's way and I was in my own way. I am better than that. I was embarassed and depressed. I let a ewe get Fly. I saw it coming and I let it happen. I didn't protect my dog. I cried all the way home that night. We tried working ducks and I kept getting in the way. I hope Bob is looking down from the great trial field and seeing that we CAN do it.

Lastly, thanks Bob for the hint about the piece of rigid insulation. It is the best thing. I am naming my piece the Bob Vest Memorial Foot Warmer.