Been a while!

Well, it has been some time since I posted. Things have been okay. Today I am just feeling philosophical about life and spelling.

I am missing Al and my Mom. I am not depressed just melancholy. I had planned to do so much with my Mom after I retired and now she is gone before I even had a chance to get in the mode of not working.

The local radio station is having a 60s weekend and so I am missing Al because of that.

Missing Tyler because he was my hugger. Still I am feeling okay.

I think in order to live alone you have to like yourself. I like me. I get bored being alone, but very seldom am lonely. There is the web after all! Still this being alone is relatively new to me. Before I did get to go to work and see people. I miss most of my co-workers.

Dogs are no substitute for people. I don't understand people who have lots of dogs or cats in the house with them. I love my dogs, but they can't replace people no matter how many you have.

The garage looks good. Someone is coming, hopefully, to take the big old walnut desk. I will have lots of room then.

An old acquaintance of my stopped by today and wanted to rent my pasture for a couple months. That's okay. I am reseeding in late winter anyway. The horses will eat it down to nubbins in no time. The money is a little bit of nothing. It will pay for the water. It will be nice to see animals out there again. I only sold the sheep on Friday and I miss their presence already. I will be getting new sheep in the spring. Something the dogs can work with.

My back went out while working on the garage. So, I had to apply alcohol internally. It is feeling better. A little merlot is a great pain reliever.

I am ready for another Corgi. I will be contacting the rescue groups. I just want a pet this time. I need another snuggler. Think I can find one? I'll keep you posted.

Needs

You never out grow the need for your mother. I have thought this for a long time. When my husband passed away in Feb of 1999 who did I call first? MOM. I knew she wasn't as strong as the Mom I had come to rely on in my adulthood, but she was still my Mom and I needed her. Now my Mom has gone. Who do I call now?

This has been a horrible month. Tyler got sick then he died. Mom fell and then she passed away. The most comfort I have is that Ty and Mom are together. Ty loved Mom. Of course, Ty loved anyone who would pet him and had food.

Sometimes I think I was a horrible child. I was mean to my brothers. I resented having to babysit them. I guess that was normal. I had the normal fights with Mom, I guess.

After I went into the Air Force and then got married our relationship changed to more friends than mother and daughter. Still when I needed a Mom she was there.

I think that Moms should tell their daughters that this will happen. Moms should not try to run their adult children's lives. Mom was a good mother in law as was my husband's mother. Don't take sides and stay out of their lives. When I got married Mom said you made your bed now lay in it. Don't get me wrong she loved my husband and he was a good man and husband and son in law. She just wanted me to know this was now my life. Of all the kids I am the only one who never has come back home.

I don't have any guilty feelings which really surprises me. I don't have anything to feel guilty for, but still we all have those feelings. Maybe, after the viewing today I will. This hasn't been real yet. I saw Mom on the Tuesday afternoon before she fell and broke her leg. She fell in the early hours of Wednesday. On Monday I was to take her to the Dr. and when I got up that morning Tyler was dead. I was too upset to take her. I went to visit her on Tuesday. She was upset that Tyler had died, too. I thought that day that her eyes looked good. They had been kind of cloudy for a while. She had bright green eyes that day. On the day she passed away, my brother and I went to the hospital early in the morning to talk to the Dr. I talked to her. Of course,there was no response. Later just after noon my brother called to tell me the news. I felt nothing except maybe a little surprise. I thought she would be here a few more days. Maybe it was a coping method. Who knows?

Anyway, ladies tell your daughters that they will never outgrow the need for their mothers. Ladies, be good mothers. Mine was.

It has been almost 2 weeks and there is still an emptiness in the house. Something is missing. The vitality is missing. Tyler was not an energetic dog. He was not given to running and bouncing and wrestling. His was a quiet presence. Sure, he would mix it up with Fly once in a while just to show the kid who was boss still. Fly never learned and had to push. Gosh, I miss my boy.

"Thus we begin our day in song. Sacred songs calling spirits. Those who weave dreams are Holy. Tomorrow we weep but today I'll spend with my old dog -- hand to paw as we walk together; speaking in low, sweet tones. I will continue to write about him to let the world know that he was here; more, he made a difference!"

A great corgi is gone

Amazing Pocket Tippecanoe, Tyler, has gone to the Bridge. He left last night or early this morning. As was his way he did it quietly not wanting to disturb his Mom. I will miss him so much. With each minute I am missing him more. He was a teddy bear of a corgi. He had a big thick coat that you could get lost in. Unlike a lot of dogs he didn't mind being held or hugged. Our favorite nap position was Tyler cradled in my arms like a baby. We loved the recliner. On 9/11 all I wanted to do was get home and hold Tyler in my arms. I knew life would go on once he was in my arms.

Tyler had a great many nicknames. My favorite was Bubbie. He was also Mr. Man, My Little Tidy Bowl Man, Snuggle Bug, and a few other silly names.

He really asked nothing of me other than love and food.

Having been upset all day I engaged in one of my odd behaviors when I am really really upset. I cleaned the window screens. As I was in the living room getting the screens I turned on XM to the 50's station. After I did that I thought I hope they don't play "In the Still of the Night". That was one of my late husband's favorites. Darned if it didn't come on immediately. I completely broke down. I do know now though that Ty is at the Bridge with Al.

I am going to really miss Ty's bright expression so full of love and expectation. Ty had the biggest ears of any corgi I ever saw. It took months for them to come up when he was a puppy. Even in death they were still every upright. I will miss rubbing those big ole ears.

Bubbie, I miss you so much. I knew this day would come, but so soon? Twelve years is not enough.

Wait for me at the Bridge, big boy.

Just Thoughts

I learned yesterday that Bob Vest had passed away. This was so profound for me and many others. He was our guru. He didn't just instruct us in herding. We got life lessons, too.

After my husband died I had a hard view at death. I made jokes about it and laughed at it. I don't know what has caused me to change my view. There have been several deaths since then that had touched me. There was Reba, Fly's grandmother. Sure she was JUST a dog, but she had so much personality and I never even met her. There was Jim's mother's death, six months ago. There have been others too numerous to mention. I feel hollow after these deaths and just don't know what to feel or how to feel. Maybe, it is grief. It is an intangible feeling something I can't quite put my finger on.

One of my goals was to take Fly to a Bob Vest Clinic and show him that we can do it. My one and only time to participate in his clinic was a disaster. It was 3 days of me being stupid. I knew what he was trying to tell me and I couldn't accomplish it. I was in Fly's way and I was in my own way. I am better than that. I was embarassed and depressed. I let a ewe get Fly. I saw it coming and I let it happen. I didn't protect my dog. I cried all the way home that night. We tried working ducks and I kept getting in the way. I hope Bob is looking down from the great trial field and seeing that we CAN do it.

Lastly, thanks Bob for the hint about the piece of rigid insulation. It is the best thing. I am naming my piece the Bob Vest Memorial Foot Warmer.

Thoughts

I am so tired of hearing people say they can't do this or that because the economy is bad. Do they know what a bad economy is? These are people who have jobs. Maybe if they hadn't gotten themselves into deep debt in the first place "their economy" wouldn't be so bad.

Nuff said for now.

The dogs are fine. We have really gotten lazy. There has been a lot of rain and we just lay around the house on those days and the day after. The sheep got sheared on Tuesday. They are nekkid. Now I only have 1 reason not to work them. My pen is short of fence on one side.

I have discovered the meaning of fixed income. May 1 marked my first pension check. Darned if I haven't had to have a plumber out twice. YIKES! Of course, this happened after I sent off an entry for a trial. Now, I have to go to the trial. Fortunately, it is only 90 miles one way. So, no motels and food, but there is the gas thing.

My nephew's wife is having surgery soon, very soon. She has a cyst on her spleen. It doesn't look good. He is stationed on Iraq and is on emergency leave. Pray for her.

Started a new diet. I have gotten so fat since I've been home. I blame the rain. I am blaming everything on the rain. When it rains I just don't feel like moving around. That's my story!

I miss many of my coworkers. I haven't had a good rant and rave or even a temper tantrum since I've been home. I will probably explode soon.

I have an opportunity to get a free horse. It isn't saddle broke yet. I think I can do it if he is a calm horse. Two of my friends are all up in arms about this. I am just stubborn enough to fight them on this. I need to call the lady. I promised I would call on the 10th and I havent' yet. True, I really don't need a horse, but I miss having one out in the field.

Anyway, help the economy go out and buy something. Pay cash though!

Now Retired

Well, I am now officially retired. I have no job. I feel like I am in limbo. Maybe when the weather gets warm I will be more motivated.

I went to Virginia for a sheepherding clinic the end of March. It was great. Fly shows a lot of promise. I wish I were better. He deserves it.

Virginia was warm and wet and crowded. I ate at a really nice restaurant in Elizabeth City, NC called Montero's. The food and service were great!

It rained most of the time we were there except for Monday and Tuesday the 30th and 31st. Went to Williamsburg and Jamestown. I have to go back there is just too much to see.

I need to change the pictures on this blog. Of course,the way it looks today outside I may as well just leave the flood picture.

This retirement thing is in my mind all the time. Will I be able to afford not to work? I haven't started receiving my pension that is at least a month away. I have 1 more check coming from AT&T and then I haven't filed my taxes yet. The taxes could be a problem as I still owe quite a bit from 2007. I hope I get enough back to finally pay that off. Word to the wise don't play with your deductions.

I think I am going to go to the county public library today to see what they have as far as books on CD and see what DVDs they have. They come here to my little town once a week on Mondays so I will start going there.

I am still going herding in Attica at least until I run out of $$. I really want to have Fly in the Nationals in Sept.

Anyway, I all have to remember is not to be afraid of the future. I never have before.